Alyona’s Journal I: Claim Yourself, Be your own Master

I do not content myself with merely spewing words around. I practice what I preach, so I encourage each individual to explore life and discern that which is most suitable for his well-being and prosperity.

– Alyona

Something snapped, and I felt the known existential discomfort of looking for a purpose or something desirable, engaging, interesting, or entertaining to mind.

As I browsed through YouTube, I became aware that even frustration was created by me, not by life or the browser. That frustration and any other affliction only came into being as a reflection of my relationship with myself and my vision of reality.

Being aware of myself, I noticed how I was searching, but at the same time also mentally resisting taking something in and giving it an opportunity.

With this awareness, I consciously chose a video to watch and focus on or immerse myself in.

I felt the shift immediately: how tension and mental resistance dissolved into nothingness, and how the experience became more pleasant.

Out of the ordeal, I emerged with this:

Avoid the trap of searching mindlessly for something that can only be fixed from within. That is a distraction from what truly needs to be addressed. Also, stay clear of gathering or accumulating too much information just for the sake of it under the guise of “learning” or “education” when you have no clear vision for its use; for it may feel and be like you are perpetually preparing for a future that will never come. Pick one thing and stick with it until you master it, to then let it branch out.

Through your relationship with yourself and your vision of reality, the matter directs you back to mind the quality of your focus.

What you focus on is what you will materialize and experience. It is not a matter of any particular circumstance that determines your life experience, but rather how you relate to the experience – consciously or not.

So, how well can you sustain a constructive mental framework, and live your life lucidly while directly influencing it?

If you have to think about this question, start working on your ability to and quality of focus. Do not wait, postpone, or wish for another day, another time, or for the future that looms forever on the horizon. Wake up and be and do right now!

You have this moment right now to be productive with yourself in building up and refining your life.

Despite any and all existential discomforts, take a deep breath in while acknowledging the situation as you go within, and focus on something to get yourself ahead.

Always give yourself something to look forward to.

  • Pictures:
  1. https://pixabay.com/images/id-2471007/
  2. https://pixabay.com/images/id-3252371/
  3. https://pixabay.com/images/id-4393603/

A Little Bright Nothingness

https://pixabay.com/images/id-2955582/

Cotton clouds thinly spread across the clear sky like a holed quilt through which some sun rays may still grace the land with warmth.

I put the crimson book down for a moment, partly dazzled by the light reaching the white pages, and partly due to entranced eyes and mind, still bearing the introspective silence of my previous meditation.

The universe breathes. On it goes the show of created life with its myriad coloured lights as it sits within the Eternal Void. In the heart of movement, there lies stillness, and so the observer gazes without disturbing her breathing.

Trick the Trickster Trickier

Image by Roland Nikrandt from Pixabay

It is undoubtedly there, amidst the crawling shadows creeping through the maze of what we call our minds, that we truly find the most valuable treasures.

I pushed myself through the feeling of indolence immediately after waking up and recording my dreams; thus, abandoning my bed and engaging in all immediate rituals of self-care, eating something, doing the dishes, and brushing my teeth last. All of this without allowing myself to complain or formulate excuses and muse about distractions.

I realized two things today:

  1. Indolence will always be there, and it is my responsibility toward myself to rise and conquer it every single day through awareness, will, and vision.
  2. As I washed the dishes, I plunged into my head, observed, and interacted with it on regards to my dreams today and to myself with the conscious push I exerted. Looking to my left and reading the label on the honey bottle, I realized that it meant nothing to me. Even the word “honey” was empty. Like this, I became conscious of the secret to self-control and discipline (quite note: control is not punishment/depravation, but management) on regards to food consumption, any action, or any aspect of social conditioning.
  • Resistance only begets compulsive surrender. It is when things such as labels and actions mean nothing that we truly observe, that all temptations are rendered powerless. When everything means nothing, then do we consciously decide what to do next. There is an absence for the need to react because the stimuli mean nothing, and we are set on a vision we have made for ourselves.

~*~

This last part places me, however, in a spot where I must pen a side effect to my own processes and deductions. And that is an insidious feeling of rebelling against the insight/knowledge/wisdom acquired when thinking about it or attempting to teach it to other people and see how it can help, a feeling which strangely translates to resistance and compulsive surrender. This insubordinate is nothing more than a childish saboteur, a remnant of some subconscious programming that indulges in hoarding all effort and revelation because it somehow has made it seem that sharing tips was the way of losing them.

Well, let today be the day in which I take this saboteur to the guillotine!

I want to watch its head roll off, and behold the execution platform be bathed in its blood!!

Yabbersensoflying

As nightfall paints the world, I relish the peace before the storm. A distant dribbling basketball marks the pace to trance and mindfulness in this precious silence. It will all be tainted when the front door opens, and the artificial lights turn on.

~*~

The dribbling ball has stopped. There is only the infinite silent chiming in my ears.

~*~

The first star has appeared in the last moments of the dimming sky. A bittersweet dull sensation grips my heart. Are these my feelings, or am I channelling the essence of those I watch from the booth up the theatre of life? Is my savoring of quietude now a torture within me burning? Do I wish to be ravished by the storm?

At least, it would be done.

At least, it would be past water.

At least, I would know the extent of its atrocity.

~*~

All sunshine has surrendered to the imposing darkness. Praise the fanciful romance everlasting! The cold floor has hardened, but it cannot be thus for longer, and-

Nevermind. I cannot further my observations in sainted silence.

~*~

The door opened. The artificial lights turnt on. The storm came, and I am bored.

You Are Responsible for Yourself

Image by Jonny Lindner from Pixabay

In my mind, I simply behave as I like when I please.

In your head, I am the summary and reminder of the tears you’ve shed and the anxiety you’ve given yourself into.

It’s not my intention to aggravate your pain, and I often come to the conclusion that I innately know how to reflect your inner world to force you to face the shades of your dead.

Not for a moment fool yourself with the thought that your words or deeds can affect me. Only you will suffer the whole price for your nescience and your insolence.

Yelling, taking offense, won’t make your turmoil go away. The more you resist, the more the themes that tint the walls of your consciousness will be projected onto your surroundings.

You will see me and others enact your fears and your blockages until you decide to convert them and use them to propel you toward the next stage of personal evolution.

Whatever you do, I will observe impervious.

You will display your most child-like behaviour when I break down to you your mental processes as you’ll feel denuded before the imposing truth with no way to retaliate against it.

You think your age validates your comportment.

Before my eyes, you are but a snot of life who was never taught to rise above the detrimental patterns of the sleeping rusty ones.

For once, ever since you were birthed into this world of lies, ponder upon the reasons behind your impulses, and stop hiding from your internal problems.

Do yourself a favour.

Know yourself before you engender a monstrosity you will later regret.

Half-way to Psychic Endeavour

Image by Prettysleepy2 from Pixabay

As we waited for our order in the pizza shop, a mother with her child walked in.

The child was inquisitive, and wanted his mother to buy him a colourful ball from a vending machine.

I shifted my attention to the little boy, and could not help but look at him beyond his human enclosure as to know more information about him.

The child’s tender behaviour charmed and amused the whole establishment – all eyes were on him.

In a way, his whole spectacle, reflected something as though it gave me an answer.

I forthwith tried to remember something.

I knew, yet I was not conscious yet.

I thought of that boy from childhood named José Carlos.

Before I could explore any further, the mother called her son by his name, Carlos.

I became conscious of that which I searched. Hearing his name was like obtaining relief after craving for something to fall on my head.

Thereafter, I pulled my consciousness away from him and addressed my companions.

Mirror Meditation

Image by pixel2013 from Pixabay

My reflection, at times, arches her lips as if to smile. This action only lasts a few seconds, yet it is a delight and a fright to behold it.

I have seen my reflection morph into that of a corpse-like figure. No bones showed. It was rather skin – canescent, dry, and old.

The other day, I saw my visage blend into that of a man. This male was pale and in what seemed to be his middle age. First, it was the white beard, but today, his eyebrows appeared. He does not feel as though a stranger to me, but I have always held the belief that I have been a woman in my incarnations.

When today’s session began, I worded the summoning of my true face. With still my same countenance, my eyes took the appearance of two pits of black. I blinked and trailed off a bit before continuing. Some features similar still to my current visage appeared – pieces of a man whom, to my mind, bears the resemblance of my father in his youth; but unlike him, this image sports a dark beard that encircles his face by the chin and under his lower lip. This man was bedighted in a rich blue tunic as though some elegant Middle Eastern tailoring.

Lastly, I was forced to change position. I had lost track of time, and my limbs had fallen asleep. With this change, a woman came to me. Her alabaster skin glowed in the shade erected by the backyard gazebo. Her eyes were undistinguishable, and her hair flowed as long raven waterfalls.